I sure wish i had something witty or deep to share for all one of my readers.

I don't. However, a personal conviction i have had to NOT indulge myself in a

ridiculous pity party has reiterated itself to me. what is it, you ask? Ok, twist my arm.

Here goes nothing; four years ago I had to hVE hysterectomy due to severe

endometriosis. BLAH. TRIPLE BLAH, as I was raised in a amazing family and have

my original birth parents, which is quite unusual these days! I digress; for as long as I can

remember 5 have wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have that family like the one I was

raised in from birth to my {cough cough } 37 yrs of age. A close Italian/Irish family

that I grew up in.

We weren't rich by any means; that simply didnt matter. We had an over abundance

of love and joy. Our house was the halfway house for my 3 bothers and I friends.

The holidays were open door policies as were Birthdays and any time friends wanted

to hang. Needless to say, this is the family of my own I desired since I was 10 yrs.

I badly wanted to make my house a safe haven for troubled friends of my children.

I wanted 2-3 boys. I had it all planned out, names included.... though I suppose, as

they say, "the best laid plans...."

I have repressed all these feelings for the last 4 years because, being raised

with 43 bothers you learn to not be a baby. However, this year on mothers day something

happened.... a breakdown.... yes, ours truly lost it! I wont fill you in on the pathetic details,

or the way i tried to deal with the horrid pain. I know people mean well when they say

" you can always adopt...." ya, not so much. at this point we have just enough money to

to survive. And we are so behind on bills as I have been out of work for the last 9 mos

, just beginning a new job 1 and a half weeks ago. Not to mention I am 37 and a half

yrs old and have looked into those requirements, they dont let you adopt once you

turn 40! UGH!!!!! Blah blah blah ; poor pity party me!!!! WHATEVER!!!

I have SO much to be thankful for! I have an AMAZING family; couldn't

survive w/out them! Not to mention my INCREDIBLE, TOLERANT husband and my fabulous

understanding in-laws {whom i absolutely ADORE!!!!} my long winded point is I know

that I have absolutely NO reason or justification to have a pity party for myself!!!

So this is me saying no more letting me get this down and depressed. Be thankful for all

the support I have and repress the rest for another 4 or 5 years! Hey, it worked GREAT

for the past 4!!! I have all men in my life so they dont wanna hear this wussy B.S.!

There are soooo many people w/REAL problems; my best friend of 20 years topping the list

as she has a terminal disease known as Wegners Granulomatosis. She is on oral steroids.

not to mention she has 3 most beautiful children ages 5, 12 ad 17. AND her husband had been

having an affair on her for the last 4 yrs and they FINALLY separated 1 yr ago with the

divorce pending....{ it's complicated....} . Sheeewww, ok, I am furious about all these issues so I

will wrap it up.

It's a Mad World. No more pity party time for me, I PROMISE!!!! { At least not for

another 4 years!!!} Repression is the answer, I don't care what anyone else says!

So thats that! Hope all for of you enjoyed my totally upbeat post... hahaha; sarcasm

much?! Hope you are all doing well.... hug someone you love { and give 'em an x-tra

hug from the CRAZY BLOG LADY!!!!

Until Niagra Falls

Yours Sincerely and Truly

Just me; Superchance OUT!

Graduation Day......

Just back from my neice, Brookelynn's, kindergarten graduation. Let me

tell you, St Thomas does NOT mess around. In march 40 beautiful children in

white cap and gowns in perfect step, hands folded angelically in front them.

They sang a collection of little songs and the one that really got me was

when they were all holding American flags and singing about America. And

at the end, a resounding God Bless America...... these kids are being taught

right! And my neice, well, there are no words! I was bawling like a baby

wathing her walk up and get that kindergarten diploma. Like I had given

birth to her myself. It may sound mundane to you, but it was awesome.....

really, really awesome!

Monseignor Ron gave a little talk to the kids. He told them to raise their

hands if they knew what an elephant was. Then he referenced how HUGE

said elephants are. Said you could never eat an elephant all at once. That

you have to take small bites ; and with each the futher you get. Letting them

know that this is their first stepping stone. That thats what you do in life...

aprroach things one thing at a time and you will get there. Hmmmmm

I think I benefitted as much from that ceremony as those beautiful, hopeful

shiny happy children!!!

I feel old and sentimental, dammit! But hey, what am I gonna do? o ya,

TAKE SMALL BITES and remember to breathe in and out.....

I wish you a VERY SHINY HAPPY DAY!!! Hug someone you love......

You Mean the Memory is STILL working...

So... the memory didnt fail me today.... I didn't realize how much I missed work until I had been out of it for 9 months! Cool docs, busy smack down today which I LOVE: not even time to eat all day. Although I don't usually toot my own horn (...cough cough ;-) ) I was happy to see that I got all my blood draws on the first stick and remembered things as I went. Which is what my darling husband kept reminding me of the last two days , as I had been so nervous that I would suddenly be struck with early on set Alzheimers...... God and my guardian angels were CERTAINLY watching over me! I guess with all the praying my mom and the friars and everyone have been doing He blessesd me.... even though I most certainly dont deserve it!

So, very releved that it went so well and nice to have some work again. Right now I am just contracting my services with them as they are waiting for word from corporate for a new position.

So FINALLY an exceptionally GREAT day with a great group of techs and docs. and the animals, of course!!!!! Man I LOVE being a vet tech.... and the moneys better than I was making at my previous place of employment so thats always FABULOUS!!!!

Exhausted from a full day at work after sitting on my BIG BUTT for 9 months... maybe I will work some of that off by staying busy at work!! Being out of work re-taught me how to be thankful for employment ( especially in these hard economic times) and how to approach everything with a happy heart.... even the parvo pup that had projectile, vile, stinky and watery bloody diarrhea all over two cages. Yep, I actually cleaned it all up while singing along to Elvis and Blue Suede Shoes. Now thats when you KNOW you were desperate for work.

Anyway, ciao for now

more later..... hug someone you love,

M.C. OUT!

Wow.... it's been a LOoooong while since Ive posted a word. I've been out of work for the last 9 months and now, at 10:00 today, I start relief work as a vet tech for a vet clinic literally 2 blocks away from my house. Everything about it seems really cool.... just having a job will be really cool. Bu I am irrationally nervous about it because I have been hands off as a vet tech for so long and if you dont use it lose it.

Im hoping that the catheter placements and surgery assisting and dentals come back VERY quickly. Well... what can I do... just go do my best! My husband is amazing and encouraging, which I am so thankful for. And hes usually right so thats helpful.

Anyway, thats the story. More later.....

The BLAHs

What the heck is going on with me? Depression. Big bad psycho depression. And I had to get out of the house today so I went to my brothers restaurant. I wasn't even hungry. But I knew Matt would be there and that he would hug me. And probably feed me some of that delicious food they make there so I didn't see any cons to stopping in.

And he was there. And he did hug me. And he fed me (which I don't need, but to hell with it). And it was the first time in two weeks that I felt calm and not all full of anxiety. I had a delicious Black Olive cheeseburger. They actually stuff the burger with whatever cheese you want and they cooked it ( or rather DIDN'T cook it) RARE!!! YES. I am no vegetarian. I love very rare cold red center beef. And it was PERFECT! And I smiled. Not just the smiles I have been forcing on my face for the last few weeks, but an actual smile. It was THAT good.

And I took my time, read the book I brought with me and chatted with Gregory the bartender. And it was good.

It's like I have my own personal CHEER's . I know everyone ( almost) and they know me. It's so cool. So I left after a couple of hours feeling a little bit better.

The blues and anxiety aren't gone. And I'm sure they'll probably get worse again. But for a few hours today I was with family and I was happy.

Don't really know how to shake this off.... but right now I plan to just pick one of my favorite movies and have a Dr Pepper and try to ignore how glum I am. Whoever said ignoring a situation doesn't make it better? I am going to try to disprove that theory right now,

Until next time, when hopefully I will have something cheerful to say.....

AN UNFOUNDED FEAR.....

One more essay from the archives..... Since this was written my father has successfully gotten me married off to a great guy who is pretty much as tolerant and patient as my dad is.....

Ever since I was sixteen I've been afraid that my father is going to die. Not just someday, but very soon. Like tomorrow or next week. You see, I'm a daddy's girl through and through. He has always been my hero and the most important man in my world. He's the only man I can completely trust to never break my heart and I can tell him anything.

So, this fear causes me to suffer from horrible anxiety ---- to the point where I sometimes cant sleep because I'm so worried that something might happen to him. It's like these icy fingers are squeezing my heart so tight it takes my breath away. My dad likes to laugh and tell me that he has feet of clay and he's not what I think he is. The thing is, I know he's not perfect and and I love him more for it. He has been trying desperately to get me married off since I was twenty-one. He's slowed down a little now that I'm thirty-one, but only a little!

I mean, really, what other man would be so tolerant of all my quirks and so understanding of my irrational fear and panic episodes that occasionally haunt me? What other man could know absolutely everything about me and still love me unconditionally? I fear no one, really, and perhaps that is the greatest fear of all. To be unlovable. I started out with so much love to give, but soon changed with each abusive relationship I weathered. I trusted these men with my fears, hopes and wishes only to have them thrown back in my face. Basically, each time I finally trusted someone, the rug got pulled out from under me. The scariest thing in the world to me is to lose the one person in my world who makes me feel like I'm good enough simply because I'm me.

I'm afraid that I wouldn't know how to face tomorrow without knowing that he was a phone call or a twenty minute drive away. This all must sound so pathetic coming from a thirty-one year old woman, but it's also brutal honesty. Besides, like the old saying goes, "... a son will leave when he takes him a wife but a daughters a daughter for the rest of your life..." My dad and I joke about that saying often. I tell him that I can't even imagine what he's thinking when hears that phrase, and being the great father that he is, he simply smiles and and tells me that I'm his favorite daughter. And most times I don't point out that I'm his ONLY daughter.....

Russsell Crowe was a Chick...

Today I was going through a bunch of my old fiction writings and essays when I stumbled across the one I am sharing today. Ten years ago I wrote Russell Crowe was a Chick in a writing course I was taking. It made me laugh then and it made me laugh again today as I re-read it. So, maybe it will give you a laugh or a smile or whatever..... Enjoy!!!

Russell Crowe was a CHICK.

I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. Death by suffocation, an unremarkable but deserved consequence. I try, unsuccessfully, to wrap my brain around this drama that has become my life.

I am trapped in my Jeep driving cross country with a man who is more of a woman than I am! Will his tears and mangled sobs NEVER cease? I thought I was in love with him---- then, he stepped off the plane and I realized I wasn't. Okay ( my next thoughts, a half hearted attempt at rationalization ) at least I LIKE him, right? Wrong. Because, looking at him now, I am completely disgusted and repulsed. Maybe I had seen him as a way out of my perpetual singleness. I was feeling somewhat pressured now, in my twenty-seventh year, to settle down and create some stability in my completely unstable world.

If I weren't so traumatized sitting across from him in this rolling coffin, it would all be hilarious. Unfortunately, I was far too immersed in misery and disgust to see any humor in the situation. What had I been thinking? I had packed up EVERYTHING, gave away anything that wouldn't fit in the Jeep, and was leaving my best friends, my family, and a certain man who had reminded me what life was all about in the last three months. And all for this ----- this man who, granted, bore a striking resemblance to Russell Crowe and who I had spent a total of seventeen days with in the last ten months in a long-distance phone relationship. Were it not for the Xanax I had been discreetly popping at frequent intervals, I believe I would have leapt from the Jeep as it maintained it's highway speed and bounced unceremoniously to my death on a lonely, dark stretch of isolated desert highway.

And now, after twenty-seven years of stubborn denial, I must admit that my father was, is and ALWAYS has been right. Especially about me. I never just get my feet wet. I either jump right in or observe from the outskirts.

The three day drive from Albuquerque to Florida was surrealistically ETERNAL. By the time we reached his apartment I knew I was going home. I told him not to bother unloading the Jeep. I had made a mistake. I was not in love with him and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I stayed so, I was going home. To my mom and dad. To the three brothers I completely adore. And to the man I had become close with and who had made me realize I wasn't ready to just " settle". He made me believe again that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there that would inspire passion in me. Who could challenge me and disagree with me. Who could open my mind to possibilities that would never otherwise be considered. Someone like him. And so, with one simple phone call, he promptly purchased a plane ticket to Florida and a day and a half later made the long journey back with me. Only, with him, it wasn't so long......

That ride back remains, to this day, the best journey I have ever made.....

So , thats it.... hope you enjoyed the story and thanks for taking a little trip down memory lane with me!!!!!

Until next time, hug someone!