The BLAHs

What the heck is going on with me? Depression. Big bad psycho depression. And I had to get out of the house today so I went to my brothers restaurant. I wasn't even hungry. But I knew Matt would be there and that he would hug me. And probably feed me some of that delicious food they make there so I didn't see any cons to stopping in.

And he was there. And he did hug me. And he fed me (which I don't need, but to hell with it). And it was the first time in two weeks that I felt calm and not all full of anxiety. I had a delicious Black Olive cheeseburger. They actually stuff the burger with whatever cheese you want and they cooked it ( or rather DIDN'T cook it) RARE!!! YES. I am no vegetarian. I love very rare cold red center beef. And it was PERFECT! And I smiled. Not just the smiles I have been forcing on my face for the last few weeks, but an actual smile. It was THAT good.

And I took my time, read the book I brought with me and chatted with Gregory the bartender. And it was good.

It's like I have my own personal CHEER's . I know everyone ( almost) and they know me. It's so cool. So I left after a couple of hours feeling a little bit better.

The blues and anxiety aren't gone. And I'm sure they'll probably get worse again. But for a few hours today I was with family and I was happy.

Don't really know how to shake this off.... but right now I plan to just pick one of my favorite movies and have a Dr Pepper and try to ignore how glum I am. Whoever said ignoring a situation doesn't make it better? I am going to try to disprove that theory right now,

Until next time, when hopefully I will have something cheerful to say.....

AN UNFOUNDED FEAR.....

One more essay from the archives..... Since this was written my father has successfully gotten me married off to a great guy who is pretty much as tolerant and patient as my dad is.....

Ever since I was sixteen I've been afraid that my father is going to die. Not just someday, but very soon. Like tomorrow or next week. You see, I'm a daddy's girl through and through. He has always been my hero and the most important man in my world. He's the only man I can completely trust to never break my heart and I can tell him anything.

So, this fear causes me to suffer from horrible anxiety ---- to the point where I sometimes cant sleep because I'm so worried that something might happen to him. It's like these icy fingers are squeezing my heart so tight it takes my breath away. My dad likes to laugh and tell me that he has feet of clay and he's not what I think he is. The thing is, I know he's not perfect and and I love him more for it. He has been trying desperately to get me married off since I was twenty-one. He's slowed down a little now that I'm thirty-one, but only a little!

I mean, really, what other man would be so tolerant of all my quirks and so understanding of my irrational fear and panic episodes that occasionally haunt me? What other man could know absolutely everything about me and still love me unconditionally? I fear no one, really, and perhaps that is the greatest fear of all. To be unlovable. I started out with so much love to give, but soon changed with each abusive relationship I weathered. I trusted these men with my fears, hopes and wishes only to have them thrown back in my face. Basically, each time I finally trusted someone, the rug got pulled out from under me. The scariest thing in the world to me is to lose the one person in my world who makes me feel like I'm good enough simply because I'm me.

I'm afraid that I wouldn't know how to face tomorrow without knowing that he was a phone call or a twenty minute drive away. This all must sound so pathetic coming from a thirty-one year old woman, but it's also brutal honesty. Besides, like the old saying goes, "... a son will leave when he takes him a wife but a daughters a daughter for the rest of your life..." My dad and I joke about that saying often. I tell him that I can't even imagine what he's thinking when hears that phrase, and being the great father that he is, he simply smiles and and tells me that I'm his favorite daughter. And most times I don't point out that I'm his ONLY daughter.....

Russsell Crowe was a Chick...

Today I was going through a bunch of my old fiction writings and essays when I stumbled across the one I am sharing today. Ten years ago I wrote Russell Crowe was a Chick in a writing course I was taking. It made me laugh then and it made me laugh again today as I re-read it. So, maybe it will give you a laugh or a smile or whatever..... Enjoy!!!

Russell Crowe was a CHICK.

I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. Death by suffocation, an unremarkable but deserved consequence. I try, unsuccessfully, to wrap my brain around this drama that has become my life.

I am trapped in my Jeep driving cross country with a man who is more of a woman than I am! Will his tears and mangled sobs NEVER cease? I thought I was in love with him---- then, he stepped off the plane and I realized I wasn't. Okay ( my next thoughts, a half hearted attempt at rationalization ) at least I LIKE him, right? Wrong. Because, looking at him now, I am completely disgusted and repulsed. Maybe I had seen him as a way out of my perpetual singleness. I was feeling somewhat pressured now, in my twenty-seventh year, to settle down and create some stability in my completely unstable world.

If I weren't so traumatized sitting across from him in this rolling coffin, it would all be hilarious. Unfortunately, I was far too immersed in misery and disgust to see any humor in the situation. What had I been thinking? I had packed up EVERYTHING, gave away anything that wouldn't fit in the Jeep, and was leaving my best friends, my family, and a certain man who had reminded me what life was all about in the last three months. And all for this ----- this man who, granted, bore a striking resemblance to Russell Crowe and who I had spent a total of seventeen days with in the last ten months in a long-distance phone relationship. Were it not for the Xanax I had been discreetly popping at frequent intervals, I believe I would have leapt from the Jeep as it maintained it's highway speed and bounced unceremoniously to my death on a lonely, dark stretch of isolated desert highway.

And now, after twenty-seven years of stubborn denial, I must admit that my father was, is and ALWAYS has been right. Especially about me. I never just get my feet wet. I either jump right in or observe from the outskirts.

The three day drive from Albuquerque to Florida was surrealistically ETERNAL. By the time we reached his apartment I knew I was going home. I told him not to bother unloading the Jeep. I had made a mistake. I was not in love with him and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I stayed so, I was going home. To my mom and dad. To the three brothers I completely adore. And to the man I had become close with and who had made me realize I wasn't ready to just " settle". He made me believe again that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there that would inspire passion in me. Who could challenge me and disagree with me. Who could open my mind to possibilities that would never otherwise be considered. Someone like him. And so, with one simple phone call, he promptly purchased a plane ticket to Florida and a day and a half later made the long journey back with me. Only, with him, it wasn't so long......

That ride back remains, to this day, the best journey I have ever made.....

So , thats it.... hope you enjoyed the story and thanks for taking a little trip down memory lane with me!!!!!

Until next time, hug someone!

NoT a Ray of SunShine ToDay....

You know what I hate??? Fake, lying people. And when you genuinely care about someone and would do anything for them and they just screw you over the first chance they get. Ya, let's skip the everything is coming up roses crap, when really everything is coming up just CRAP.

You would think I would learn after basically a lifetime of trusting people and them spitting in my face... but I don't learn I guess... I just keep on giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. And now it has actually become my downfall. Like where it has actually affected me physically. And I cant work a full time job and I had to leave the job I loved because I actually cared SO much it made me physically sick.

An actual medical condition. Not just the ulcers but the Chrons. Great. So a word to the wise.... Try your hardest to NOT CARE. As a survival technique. For yourself. You see, what I learned is , everyone else just takes care of themselves and their lives go on no problem. Not mine. I lay curled up in a ball of pain for days at a time... vomiting and painful and you know what?? Those people I cared so much about ... they're nowhere to be found.

So, I guess all I have to say is PISS ON EM. I actually have stronger words for them but refuse to use them here... though I'm sure you can figure them out, dear reader!!

And once I actually stop caring SO much , maybe I can function again. See, the pain goes away when I don't give a shit. So there. To those I cared about and I thought were friends until they stabbed me in the back, I don't give a shit. Because I am very sure that one day it will all come back to you....

Sorry to bring anyone down; but hey... life isn't all sunshine and puppy kisses is it??? !!! Thats just reality.... Today, I am indulging in a bit of anger and truth. Maybe tomorrow I will have something happier to post. Or maybe not. That's the great thing about this blog business... It's pretty much a free for all of feelings... so there you have it,

To those I love ; thanks for putting up with my psychosis; to those who back stabbed me; BITE ME....

I feel so much better now! I'm going to hang out with the dogs and ignore the world today.

More later, maybe happier later....

The Angels ROCK IT OUT....

O.K. ; So, I just realized that my last few blog posts were pretty sad/toxic/angry. SO, now, I present.... the ROCKIN' ANGELS and their volleyball FABULOSITY....

Today we had a round robin tournament in which we played 2 other teams for a total of 4 complete games. And can I just say, these girls have more heart, and determination than the whole entire city of Albuquerque! Probably even more than the whole state of New Mexico.... ( and I'm TOTALLY NOT biased at all; so what if I'm the coach? And so what if I happen to LOVE each and every one of these kids?! ) Not to mention we won every single game.... aced em all!!!

We had worked SO hard at the previous Thursday practice with the focus on diving and going where the ball goes and CALLING THE BALL. And those little Angels remembered. And they HUSTLED. And they played their 9-11 year old hearts out!

It was AWESOME. And INSPIRING. And completely full of contagious JOY!

I could NOT have been more proud if I had actually given birth to each and every one of them! ( Which, thank goodness, I was spared the birthing of 9 kids... ;-) ).

It's so amazing to see them grow in confidence and ability. And they are so humble and kind. They could certainly teach adults everywhere a few things!

I learn from them at every single practice and at every game. I am reminded to be kind. And patient. And encouraging. And JOYFUL!

It would do people a TON of good to slow down, BREATHE and remember what's truly important in life.... our fellow men; kindness, courage and joy.

When I began helping out with this little team, I figured that hopefully, I would be able to teach them something. I NEVER imagined how much I would learn from these kids. These magnificent little Angels! And I am so thankful that I have been reminded over and over, what life is REALLY about.

Take a little time to follow your bliss!

And hug those you love... ( and maybe even those you don't love)

' Til next time......:-)

The Desensitization of Society...

Not a pretty tale at all that I feel compelled to share today.

Yesterday morning my cell rings and I see that it's one of my best friends, Lisa. I had missed a couple of very early morning calls from her ( 2 am) calls ; so I immediately answered to apologize for missing her calls when I was thrown immediately into abrupt silence. She was crying... like a very serious cry, not a why did my man do this to me again cry. My heart leapt into my throat but I forced myself to stay calm so as not to induce more hysteria from her.

Me:

" Where are you"

Lisa:

"I'm in an ambulance being taken to UNM hospital... some guy jumped me at 1:30 this morning and beat the shit out of me. ..." then she is talking to the paramedics and there is muffled movement and cries of pain from her.

I am getting more traumatized by the minute... It is 10:30 am now and I am wondering if she was jumped at 1:30 am why the hell isn't she already at the hospital?? But I couldn't get a word in because of the paramedics ( THANK GOD for those guys...) so I finally grab her attention for a second and I ask her whose with her?

No one

Ok, I am on my way.... see you at the hospital.

Crap. I had to breathe. And I just happened to be hanging out with the friars at the friary. Brother Gerard had been sitting next to me and immediately he knew something had happened, possibly tipped off by how pale I had gone in an instant. I told him what happened and that I had to head to the hospital. He said they would pray right now for her in their chapel. This comforted me. BUt before he did that he got me a to go cup cranberry juice, gave me hug and, u know, for one second there was peace.

Thankfully the friary was a short distance from the hospital. I get to the information window and the guy that I am there to see Lisa. Their E.R. was packed and the guy let me know that no I can't go back where she is because of the high patient traffic they have. Which, rationally I understood and could see this to be true. The whole waiting room is packed wall to wall.. people sitting, standing. This is a hospital that treats EVERYONE with or without insurance. But his answer wasn't good enough. I call Lisa on my cell and she sounds horrible.

I'm out front but they wont let me back. She starts crying. This is way stressful.

I hear her talk to the nurse and they are going back and forth.

Finally, the nurse wheels her out in a chair. I am shocked at what she looks like but try to remain calm because as soon as she sees me she falls apart. The whole right side of her face is swollen up so badly that her eye is just about swollen shut. She stands up to hug me tightly. And between sobs she's saying,

I'm scared and afraid to be alone....

She wanted to show me the bruises on her legs so I gently walk her to the restrooms located in the back of the packed waiting room. We get in line with only one person in front us. And here's where the awareness of the Desensitization sets in on me like a pro-wrestler of huge magnitude were sitting on my chest as I lay struggling beneath trying desperately to breathe. We are next to go in when this lady walks right up in front us. The door opens and she begins to head in and I say

Excuse us, you can see us standing here before you even walked up, and my friend really needs to use the bathroom. The lady scrutinizes Lisa from her swollen shut eye and bruised and swollen cheek, then to the cigarette burns and seems to actually CONTEMPLATE the stupidity that then gushed from her mouth like severe case of diarrhea.

Well, I really have urinate badly so I'll just be a minute.

And I am stunned. But worse, I am PISSED.

WOW. Isn't it GREAT how compassionate people are. I say loudly. Just then the door opens to the restroom across the way, which is the mens, but they were both the same just a one occupancy bathroom. I lead Lisa right into it and lock the door. I was slightly worried because the heartless nurse who had wheeled Lisa out said that if she didn't hear her name when called she would have to start the process all over. Are you kidding me? She had been there since 7:30 am! It was now 11:15 am. So my anger is festering and rotting and I haven't been known to be very docile sort of woman.

Anyway, Lisa is now showing me the horrible bruises going all up and down her legs and they darken higher up her thigh. Lisa said the doc told her that those bruises were consistent of the perp trying to rape her. I am nauseous.

Lisa is getting dressed when I hear this very hard knock on the door. I reign it in before I say

One minute please.

A harder knock and a guy saying

You about done in there?

And not inquiringly either; just plain RUDE. Lisa at this point is ready to exit. So , I'm sure this guy must be like, bleeding from the eye sockets, or having a severe case of hemorrhoid explosion. NO. Not so much. As I come face to face with me he is just lounging against the wall. And I'm thinking to myself;

Don't say it M.C. ; Just walk away. But my mouth ran away with my rage. And here it came....

O, I'm sorry, I guess you didn't notice before how rude the women were to my friend here who, by the way, surely could wait for the restroom. I guess you didn't notice the cigarette burns on her arm and I'm sure the subtleness of her bashed in face escaped you. I realize, we are occupying the mens restroom but that's only because I thought we'd see a little concern from the GENTLEMEN. Thank you SO much for your concern, patience and KINDNESS.

So, this homey lookin dude looks me right in the eye and says,

I gotta take a piss.

In my mind I saw myself plunging my fist through his chest and ripping out his still beating heart and sticking it up his #*@"

As I led LIsa back to the lobby I couldn't help it. It just came out.

Ain't OBAMACARE GREAT!

Yes I said it and I don't care. People don't get that this is what socialized medicine will. and on the tail of that will be a completely socialized society. I hope people like how this is playing out.....

Sorry for the rant but I am an extremely passionate person and sometimes I say things I regret. But I don't regret any of what I just said here.

So we get to the where it's roped off access to the back triage area ( what is this a Backstage with Bon Jovi?!) and actually, the ONE nice person of this day so far, asked us if we needed help. We explained the situation. Said we didn't want to miss the call back. He kindly took Lisa's name and went back to check on progress.

When he returned he said it was still going to be AWHILE. At this point it's 12:30 and Lisa has had nothing for pain except 1 percocet. As luck would have it she had previously made an appointment with her PRIMARY care doc at 1:30. She chose to leave. So we did. We got the E.R. number from the paramedic who was triaging so we could have her doc call and get the results of the cat scan and x-rays they had don at 8:00 am.

As soon as we got to Lisa's appointment she was examined, 2 more x-rays were taken and the E.R. was called and their report was that it WASN"T as they suspected--- there were no bones broken in her face .

WOW. So, my question she SAW the ER doc... why didn't he immediately give her something for pain to help through ALL that waiting???

Anyway, the other x-rays were ok except for a possible compression fracture. So Lisa's doc gave her all the necessary pain meds; antibiotics and something for anxiety. The pharmacy right there filled them and I could finally get Lisa settled at home.

WOW. I'm exhausted from re-living this. I'm really angry and upset that Lisa had to go through that attack and then the mistreatment UNM hospital.

It disgusts me how narcissistic and DESENSITIZED the world has become. It's sickening and very disheartening that there is NOT much kindness, gentleness and love toward our fellow man.

I don't know. Sorry for the rant. But hey (to the tune of It's My Party) It's my blog and I'll rant if want to, rant if I want to.....

Anyway.... that's it today. Something to think on maybe?

Tell someone you love that you LOVE them and what the hey, maybe throw in a hug too!!!!

The Continuation of I TRY to remember HOW BLESSED ...

ooops..... prematurely selected post and screwed it up.... here is the continuation of it if anyone is interested .... otherwise, maybe the cliffhanger approach is best and might bring at least one of u back to read some more.....

Anyway.... so, where was I ... o ya ALTEREGO...blah blah.... So I guess by now you get the idea. I am having my very own bona fide pity party! And, consequently, decided to write in BLUE mid-sentence. WHY? You may ask? Well, because BLUE makes me happy. It soothes me and allows me more concentration. I'm feeling better by the minute!

SO, as EMBARRASSING as it may be for me to admit this; I will admit it to you; my one reader... ( if you're out there....) I could very barely drag myself out of bed today. BUT, I had to feed the dogs and cats; so I was out of bed by 10am. QUITE the feat for a night owl such as myself! And i haven't been sleeping fitfully all weekend. So I was quite impressed with myself. And I had all these great intentions of working out for my hour and cleaning the house..... WHATEVER. These ideas went right out the window as soon as I plunked myself down on the couch. I knew I was in trouble as I got sucked into an episode of " 16 and Pregnant" on MTV.

But this one was different than the usual crap ones I have seen. A very mature for their age couple had decided to give their baby up for adoption. They chose a great, young Christian couple. So the show followed the journey all the way ( obviously) through the birth and ultimate surrender of the baby to the adoptive parents. At the point where these two teenagers were walking the adoptive parents to the car from the hospital discharge; then the birth mom ( who was such a sweetheart!) was crying but trying to be strong; well she hugged the adoptive mom and they held on to each other extra tight and that was it. I totally LOST it. Sobbed my heart out. And I only realized how disturbing this was when my three dogs took off outside at the sound of me blowing my honker into the kleenex. Crap. At this point I realized whatever neighbors that were home were surely also hearing the great nose blowing and this would just be another thing for them laugh at their strange neighbor about!!!

I digress, ( which is VERY normal for me; it's sorta my M.O.) so, I shut T.V. off and tried to read. No luck there either. By 5pm I closed the book and restlessly turned the T.V. back on to distract myself. And, cool, God was certainly looking down on me.... because there was an episode of Medium beginning and I got lost in the show. Two episodes by which time Daniel would be home from work and more distraction! Hoo-ray. So, I popped his dinner in the oven at 6pm so that it would be done by 6:45ish around the time he would probably arrive home from his o so loooong day at work.

So all that worked just according to plan; then after our nightly routine some T.V. and some of him wandering off to his office to " compute" as he calls it, it was his bed time. He gets in bed by 10pm on work nights and how I envy him his ability to fall immediately asleep. While he was watching the ol night time re-runs of Frasier, I sat at my computer checking e-mail, looking at latest MSN news. But I was Waaaay too restless.

So, hubby was already sleepy at this point but I was completely restless, because I know me and I know that I will be up all night again. I told him I was going to run to the gas station for a hot chocolate. I had been wanting one.... and they always taste better from the gas station vending machiney thingy.....

So I asked him what kind of prize he wanted from there. I was using all my hoarded quarters for the trip. He asked how much money I had and I happily told him 5 dollars!! I'm basically rich! He laughed and said ok then, peanut butter m&m's. That was WAY E-Z! No prob! By the time I got home...( and the gas station is only 5 minutes away) he was completely out!!!! So I set them at his bedside as I knew he would eat them for breakfast; and tiptoed out to the living room with laptop in hand and began writing this entry. Then the lap top died ( of course.... ) so I had to use the computer in his office to complete this VERY long winded WAA WAA tale of WOE!

But I guess I DO actually feel a bit better to get this crap off my chest; heck; I may even shower and leave the house tomorrow to drop off some more resumes around town! Cool.... So thanks for reading.... or trying to read, at least. Until you succumbed to your restful slumber.... that little pile of drool collecting down your chin and onto your desk ( or shirt, if u nodded off , laptop in hand, while sitting on your couch!!!) sweet dreams to you and may tomorrow ( today!!!!) bring you a random smile or a moment of joy or maybe just a little PEACE.

Thank you for allowing me to un-burden my heart and feel like I can face tomorrow!!!! Cool..... hope you come back and try again to read this stuff.... I'm not normally so morose and crybaby!

Y'all Come Back Now,YA'HEAR?!?!!!

Hug someone you love.....

I TRY to remember HOW BLESSED i am but.....

I don't know what is going on lately with me..... or X that; because of course I have a VERY good PRETTY RIGHT ON idea of what the issues are..... So many issues; so little time! Sigh... what is a girl to do???

Things had been going o.k. for us since the loss of the job I LOVED so much.... but now, it's getting harder and harder for my husband to keep us afloat in the wonderful world of " MONEY is KING..." which WE know it's not but tell life it's not!!!! And I really DO understand the pressure my husband is under to pay all the bills and just be the provider in general. One income in this economy is no longer enough. And it's too bad that that's happening. But, that's the REALITY! I have tried so hard to be upbeat and positive. Tried to send out resumes and I apply on-line to as many places as possible, to no avail so far. I don't want to be THAT chick..... you know; the one who has all the pity parties and does the whole waa waa bit. BLECH.... those chicks have always been so despicable to me because there are people so WAY worse off than me .... even now. My BRAIN knows that this is such a minor setback. But my heart goes WAAA WAAA POOOOR MEEE....PITY PARTY PITY PARTY BLAH BLAH BLAH.... POOR ME... blech! YEP there's that bad taste in my mouth that always accompanies the what is this PATHETIC chic talking about.... puh-lease... does she need a WAAAMBURGER with those fries???!!!! And YES i do THANK YOU VERY MUCH you alter ego you......

Working out???? O ya... beginning 2 remember....

Must. Get. On. the. Bike.... And so I begin a very long and could what also be a completely IMPOSSIBLE road to getting back in shape. My mom so kindly passed on her recumbent bike to me as she and my dad are now members of the ultra cool YMCA! And they are doing great , I may add. So them ; along with the fact that I have just taken the position of Coach to a totally wonderful group of little volleyball players, has me worrying that if I don't DO something than they will be going through the trauma of having to administer CPR to their fallen coach at the next practice.....

This may be hard to believe but I was actually once quite a work out fanatic. To the point of actually being diagnosed with Exercise Induced Bulemia from my doctor! What? I love to eat and HATE to vomit so I didn't exactly grasp the concept at the time... it was more anorexia but complicated because it was from working out!!! Needless to say...I don't have that problem anymore!!!

So the past two weeks I have done 3 days/ wk just 30-50 minutes cardio with some weights thrown in and of course stretching and abs. But now I realize, I must step it up! This realization coming on the heels of our two hour practice last thursday. And I was dying! I mean , I was seeing the light on the other side and everything. My husband tells me I have the wrong idea of coaching. He says I should just sit in a lounge chair with a whistle and a drink and instruct from the sidelines. Very funny Mr Hilarious. I, however, come from the school of total complete hands on involvement training! Lucky for those girls of fabulosity that I'm coaching... or is it UNLUCKY for them?? All I know is that at 1 am friday morning I was at Wal Mart buying a whistle and a jump rope and all these ideas for practice were bouncing to and fro in my mind and I felt like I just had a triple shot of caffeine or something.....shew...

Anyway, I apologize for the bouncing thoughts. I will try harder to stay focused. So today, in an effort to push myself so the Angels ( thats the team name... great eh?) could be proud of a coach who could keep up; I bravely punched in 55 min on the bike in the interval training mode. And with the support of all my animals cruising in and out of the work out room randomly, I somehow made it! Then I jumped a little rope. Did lots of stretching and abs. And now I can't move. And I'm getting sore already. If I weren't so old and busted... I swear I don't feel older than 22. So what the HAY??!!!

So, if you are reading this, please pray that I don't kill myself working out before we even get to the next games.... it would be greatly appreciated, as the Angels need a coach to actually be able to play the in the games :-) And any good thoughts you can send my way I will absolutely take....

Now I am off to take a looong shower and then sprawl out on the couch w/the animals and watch, what I feel, is a well deserved movie!

Have a great day and tell someone you love JUST how much you love them:

I love you thiiiiis much Daniel!!!! ;-)

There's No Place Like Home.....

" ... The seas only gifts are harsh blows. And occasionally the chance to feel strong. I don't know much about the sea; but I do know that's how it is here --- and I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to BE strong but to FEEL strong. To measure yourself, at least once. In the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind, deaf stone alone, nothing to help you but your hands and your own head..."

--- Into the Wild Excerpt

Life can be a HUGE CRAP SAND WHICH. I mean, really- right?! We hear the platitudes ; One day at a time, keep on keeping on, things can only get better.....I really TRY to live by the ' Un Dia La Vaiz" platitude ( one day at a at ime ).It works off and on... until life throws one thing after another after another...waaa waa waa blah blah blah. What--- EV-- ER! ( notice: subtle White Chicks reference....). The best mantra ever is the ol " Money is the root of all evil". I realize now that it TRULY is. I was never aware of it before; I always held rally good jobs with generous compensation.... until now... then WHAMMIE... out of work!

Husband is desperately trying to pay all the bills and support myself and our 6 and a half kids. ( of the animal kind of course...) Times are tough. The economy is Ultra sucking... ( but thats a WHOLE other can of worms!

Anyhow, my parents are where I go when I need to have the comfort of simply being and breathing. So, Sunday afternoon I thought I would give husband a break from all my WHACKED OUT emotions and leave him in peace for awhile. Besides, a nice Jeep ride always helps with calmness. And when I combine that with visiting mom & pops in the home where I grew up; the house that is absolutely DRENCHED in delicious subtle scents ( not in the least perfumy...)

which encourage fond memories to hug me; well--- thats pretty much my bliss.

I felt my heart get a bit lighter immediately mid Jeep Ride And lighter still as I closed the distance to my parents house.

Memo to self: I have the best parents in the WORLD. I know; many, many people proclaim the very same thing ( those poor, misguided souls!) but mine really are THE BEST!

No sooner had I crossed the threshold of my childhood home, all my childhood memories came RUSHING back. Because here was all the old familiar deco and scents rushing over to greet me.

My parents were in the "den" relaxing; mom in her small comfy chair and dad in his big ol Lay-Z-Boy recliner. They were both reading and relaxing and calm.

So, I hung out and stayed through a fine dinner consisting of tuna sandwiches, rice and dill pickles...D---LISH!!!

Before I had time to realize it, my once heavy heart was much, MUCH lighter. And it really helps to unburden oneself to SOMEONE who understands. Who loves you No Matter What. Unconditionally.

Who Says You Can't Go Home ( ok taken from one of the recent Bon Jovi album titles/songs... what can I say?!) That's a TOTAL FARCE! I can. And do. And LOVE it.

So next time you find it difficult to breathe, go home. And your home may not be your mom and/or dads. It's wherever HOME is to you.... it is, as they say, Where you hang your Heart. Where you breathe best and laugh hardest. !

" Let Not Your Hearts be Troubled"!!! For you can Always go HOME--- wherever that may be for you.

Hug your family!!!!

The Joy of Brownies and Half Pints...

Today I babysat my almost two year old niece and it was awesome! First of all, Dad, I get it, she is so way cuter than me. I give in to that fact. After a morning of playing pretty much anything she wanted to play we began to prepare lunch. I can't cook much, however, I am the Master of Mac & Cheese. And she is my perfect little audience. I asked her how that sounded and her beautiful eyes lit up and she said "o.k." ! And she proceeded to drag her little princess throne chair into the kitchen, angled it along side me ( at a safe distance from the stove of course) and happily cheered me on as I made her lunch. And I have never seen anyone get so excited at the point where you add the cheese and milk ( except maybe for me....) and it brought all this JOY to my heart!

After the mac n cheese delicioso lunch of fabulosity, I asked what she wanted to do next. " Nap?!" she inquired with that " I'm almost a 2 yr old" inquisitive look.... " Why of course!!! What more perfect way to top off the mac n cheese lunch than with a sippy cup of milk and a fine siesta???" I asked of her. And o my gosh... there they were.. the dreaded Furrowed Brows! WHAT???? How can SHE have the furrowed brow trait when that originates in my husbands family??? Bizarre...... after my breathing returned to normal I realized she simply thought me crazy as she understood not one word of my conversation with her!!! My bad.... I am used to holding complete conversations with my dogs and they totally understand EVERY word. But HOW PRESUMPTUOUS of me to just take it for granted that my baby niece would also understand!

Anyhow, once I resolved this conflict in my own head, I happily got her milk,my water and we settled into my brother, Matts, reclining chair. She quickly snuggled in and fell asleep. And, P.S. did i mention she's a complete little Angel-baby half pint??? OK, I may be a liiitle biased as she's my niece; but honestly, she's every babysitters dream kid. She's mellow, self entertaining and completely adaptable. Which, when you think about it, are all things that will help her greatly when she is ready to for school, high school and then college. And then ready to join the workforce.... she's a shoe in!!!!

I digress, as usual.... where was I?? O ya, point being it reminded me just how much we adults can learn from a child. We often times forget in the harry carry world of work, economic collapse, worrying about the end of the world, etc..... to take time to see our lives through the eyes of a child. My Angelena is my new center. My new "Just Breathe". My refocus reinforcement!!!! It was great timing what with my being out of work and all and hubby trying to foot ALL the bills on his own. Needless to say there has been quite a bit of stress on both of us; I have been desperately searching for a job, but it takes time.

The other thing my niece reminded me of was Dance as if Nobodys Watching.....which we waaay did.... although I believe I caught a look of embarrassment from Angelbaby as I was really letting loose to Footloose... Really??? my 2 yr old niece, embarrassed by moi???? Sigh.... they grow up way too fast!!!

When she woke up from her nap, we decided to make home made brownies for when her dad, mom and sister got home from wk/school. So we did. And after that batter was poured into the bowl we took one spoon each, squatted down to the kitchen floor and preceded to happily lick those spoons! In the end I don't know who had the most frosting on their face! But I certainly know who had the most joy in her heart. ME. All from hanging out with a child and remembering the right way to embrace life!

So there you have it. Try to make some time to see our life thru the eyes of a child.... you'll be amazed at what u find!!!!

In the meantime, Heres to You, Mr I Package the Brownie Ingredients To Make Kids Happy Guy!!! You're a Real Man of Genius!

Hug A Kid You Love!

Just A Thought for the DAy....

No story for today really. Just looking through my notebooks and found this. It was too good to leave hiding between those pages:

" I learned that the measure of life is revealed in the Quality of our

relationships: with God, our families, our fellow men. I've learned

that the greatest threat to love is Not Circumstance but the Abscence

of attention. For we do not neglect others because we have ceased to

to Love; Rather, we cease to love others because we have neglected

them. I've learned that each day is a miracle Unearned. I've learned

that while life is ephemeral-- a vapor-- Love IS NOT. In short, I have

learned What Matters and What Does Not."

-- unknown

Just something to think about I guess. I believe we all get so caught up in the craziness of life we need to remember what's truly important. This was an A-Ha moment for me.... just wanted to share.....

Hug someone you love.....

BIG BUCKS NO WHAMMIES!!

I am not ashamed to say that I read ALL THE TIME. My husband says that makes me a nerd. Well, duh! Husband reads also, but strictly on computer only. I love to hold the book. And whiff the pages as I turn them. And highlight favorite parts... well, you get the idea.

So, it was to my abject HORROR that he suggested we sell some books back to Hastings. What? Not the books. I'm having anxiety, heart is pounding. Mouth is dry and I think I need to put my head between my knees. Isn't that what you do when you think you're going to pass out?

Not that I don't have plenty. I could honestly fill a room with the books I have, Maybe two actually.... And Husband is turning our third bedroom into a library for me. But since I'm out of work we have to be extra careful with the mulah.

Which brings me right back to the dreaded topic. O.K., I'm thinking, no problem.. It would take me Forever to re-read them. So I bravely pull one off the shelf. Damn. Not that one, it's Into the Wild. Love the movie, love the book. It's a life lesson book. True story all that. Yep. Keeping it. As you can imagine it went back and forth like this for awhile. Husband is off this week so he is annoyingly close by, for support he says. Which I'm sure is really true. But still. HOVERING! I bravely soldier on. We end up filling two big recyclable bags FULL. Thats it. Done. First step. As we are headed to the Jeep I have a horrible attack of conscience. Wait. " I can't sell these Daniel!" He looks at me, brows HALF Furrowed. " What do you mean." calmly. " I always donate them to the library for all of the people with no money who want to read a good book. And I have good books. I mean, great books, actually..." Husband calmly, " You are one of the people with no money right now. You do use the library." Me, " Exactly, and I want to give back." Husband is now clearly vexed. " O.K. I support your humanitarianism. Normally. But not today. First let's see what we can sell." I take a HUGE trembling breath. "O.K. but any that they don't take we donate." Yes! We did it! We made a deal. And now... to Hastings.

That first day we made $23.00 off of 10 books they accepted. The girl explained the kind of books they do and do not accept. No prob. I happily brought all the other books to the library where I could visit them anytime. I am feeling very good about this deal. And I had 23 bucks in my pocket. Free Money!!

So we went home and I filled the bag again with the correct kind of books. This trip brought us $55.00. Big Bucks. No Whammies!!

Free money. A lesson learned in letting go of things. Compromise. And still able to donate. I'm in.

So, have to run. Hubby and I are headed to a different Hastings with a new load of books.

Have a great day. And, hey, read a book!

The Franciscan Friars and the Function of Finesse

Some of my best friends in the wold are a little group of Franciscan Friars. They are cool. And I mean C-O-O-L. Their order is based on Padre Pio ( who happens to be my favorite EVER).... the awesome priest who received the stigmata, and whose body even today after all these years of death remains incorrupt. My mom ) who is somewhat of a scholar in matters all things religious) and Fr. Conrad were just saying yesterday that it is said that when you see his dead body it is as if he is sleeping and would awake at any minute and get ready to go about his day. Amazing. Anyway, I was raised Catholic but at the age of 16 I had too many questions and turned to christianity. I attended Calvary until I was 31. I still held a lot of things from my Catholic upbringing very dearly.

So, these guys.... it's awesome. They are young and they know how to communicate with young people and I feel like I just have a bunch more brothers. Which I guess I really do! With the added bonus of them putting in a good word with the Big Guy upstairs. They are not pushy or preachy or overbearing. They are not arrogant. They have taught me the very important lesson of humbleness and humility. They live among the poor and beg for food and whatever else they may need to survive day to day. Thats HUGE. Can you imagine living like that ? No T.V. , no cable no x-box or PS3. No movies. No music ( except for the catholic music they have). No comfy recliners or couches. No nice mattress. They sleep on wood beds on the floor. And they are doing their best to save my soul! Ha ha. Now THATS a challenge of the grandest kind. I mean really... they have their hands full here.

I love to joke with them about how brave they are to keep company with the likes of ME. I am emotional and stubborn and can be very confrontational. Leave it to me to get a few of them in trouble for keeping them out too late.... thats one for the books. This is the story:

So, they are allowed to go to peoples house as long as they are invited. So one night we all had dinner at my moms ( because she is the greatest cook EVER next to my little bro) and were hanging out. And i simply mentioned they were welcome to come over and watch a movie before they went home. SO Fr Joe and Bros Phillip and Sebastian were thinking that sounded cool.... I VAGUELY remember Fr Leo saying that another night would be better, but everyone was talking and the night rolled on. As I went out to leave I discovered that the back tire on my Jeep was completely and utterly flat and I had no functioning spare. I went back in to figure it out and Bro Phillip and Fr Joe said they could take me home it was no problem. OK; Innocent enough right? I didn't think I was disobeying orders. But..... lots of times I don't think. Which always gets me in trouble. Hence the reason it will be so very very hard for them to save my soul. I mean, I was planning on riding my moms coat tails right thru the pearly gates so fast that good ol St Peter would never ever even realize I set up residence in a Winnebago in Heaven with my 7 animals and my husband.......

O.K.; so we get home and I'm showing them around our little house. And we happen to have lots of cool movies. And Blu-Ray and a big flatscreen T.V.. I also had a couple of Coronas in the fridge... ya ice cold. So Fr Joe noticed we had the Matrix box set. And I guess he likes them and they do look REALLY AWESOME on that T.V. in high def and everything.... sooooo I know you see what's coming. We popped it in and we had a beer ( it was just the three of them and me) and personally I was glad to have the company as I am a horrible insomniac and Daniel goes to bed at like 10 pm on work nights on account of he has to be up before the butt crack of dawn to be at work for his 12 hour shifts!

What I forgot was that those movies are pretty long. Ya. But everyone was having a good time and they were ministering to my need for company and I was giving drinks to the poor ( just like Jesus says if you feed the poor and give them drink you are feeding me... or something like that. ya, no finesse here...) so it was kinda like they were evangelizing me...... are you buying this yet??

Anyway, the movie ended and it was late. And they still have to get home. But the good news was they live only about 10 minutes from my house! The bad news is I suck at giving directions. :-( They got home really late....

So the next day Bro Phillip called to say hi and see what was up. So I asked him how much trouble was I in ? He laughed and said everything was fine; but i knew we must not have made Fr Leo very happy and I felt horrible about it. I mean they have strict rules they live by and here M.C. the devious swoops in and says " Go ahead just one bite of the apple, it will allow you ENDLESS movie viewing ( wink wink nudge nudge...)" .

Turns out every thing was fine but I knew that I had disappointed Fr Leo and I felt like when I was 12 and helped my best friend cheat on an English test and it's just like I had disappointed my own father ( which I hate to do more than anything in the world.) I would rather be banished to the ends of the earth than to cause my father disappointment. And thats how this felt.

However, in my defense, THEY are big boys. C'mon, they coulda just said no, right??? But we really wanted to hang out.... it was so much fun. And I have heard on more than one occasion that I can be very persuasive... I, myself, don't see it but hey, thats kinda a cool " talent " if in fact I do have it.

The point I'm trying to make is that are regular dudes. They are like your brother or your cousin or your best friend. They get it. They get life. They have been through it and are going through it. They can identify and testify; can I get an AMEN?! I believe lots of young people who are familiar with Catholicism relate everything to the back in the day way things were done. Which weren't wrong; just things may have been lost in translation. Things may not have been presented in such a way that they made sense and caused the A-HA factor. I know because I am that generation and I did walk away from the Catholic church. Even now I'm not back " all the way" but I am listening and learning and God blessed me with these guys who can explain very competently and who can answer any question under the sun about the catholic faith. And they listen. And they are patient. And gentle and kind. And non judgemental And they can put up with ME ! I mean thats HUGE!!!!! They have taught me humility and what self sacrafice really is. They live it, after all. And on top of all that they are witty and humorous and fun loving. The total package.

So, heres to You Mr I Will Serve God at any Cost and No Matter What Men: You Are Real Men of Genius.

And that my friends, is true Finesse in Action.

So, hey guys, whens our next movie night.......

Small Fry and the Angry Hornet

So, I was sweeping the front porch yesterday afternoon feeling all domestic and like I was being such a good little wife. The dog crew were hanging around keeping me company, which made me feel slightly better about the fact that I was talking to myself and laughing out loud at my own comments.....

I must first fill you in on the fact that, yes, another little lost pup found it's way to my house. These two little boys had found her and were scouring the neighborhood literally ALL afternoon. From like noon to 7 pm trying to find "Small Frys" home. To no avail. By the time they approached me they were clearly ready to be done with their noble task. So I felt it was my duty to relieve the young squires from their plight. I walked into the bedroom where super hubby was relaxing after a long day of work and this is what I heard, before I even opened my mouth; " Absolutely Not. Take it somewhere, anywhere, just NOT HERE!!!" OMG. This was a serious Furrowed Brow Issue. So we negotiated 2 days of asylum for small fry while I tried my hardest to get her a good home. Which I can honestly say I did. I brought her to the clinic and scanned her for a microchip. No luck. Then my super tech friend Matt took pics of her with the digital camera and spread the word at work. No one could take her although many wanted her. fast forward to the the THIRD day. I walked into the bedroom during Bill O Reilly ( fox news master extrodinaire; next to Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck...) and what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a little small fry and a big gentle bear. Yep, you guessed it. Daniel had been sucked in to loving the pooch. She was curled up at his side and he had his arm around her and they were both asleep! The Lion laying down with the lamb! Amazing.

So thats how Small Fry has become our new addition, She is adorable and unusually calm for a puppy of 8 wks. I have already given her her first puppy shot. And the rest of the animal family took her in like they knew, of course, that she needs them.

And here is where the Hornet story comes about. So, to continue the drama... I was sweeping away when i hear these little puppy yelps. I turn to assess the situation and see Small Fry biting crazily at her back leg and paw. And. Then. I. Hear. The. Buzzing. And I SPRING INTO IMMEDIATE ACTION. O , I WILL save my littlest baby. I run over and start waving the broom madly in the general direction of the flying insect terror; ( brilliant, I know.) Suddenly, I am attacked by what seemed to be three or four wasps but turned out to be 2. And the stinging. For the love of God! I was stung four times and MAN it BURNS and STINGS and Itches. At this point I am dancing wildly around the front yard slapping at my hip, leg and arm and can only imagine what the neighbors are thinking as they observe the crazy chic across the street. Some things just can't be done justice by mere words. But it must have truly been a hilarious sight. I run inside with all the animals and the buzzing won't stop. Make it stop please stop the buzzing. And they are biting again and this time it's my head. What the.... I start shaking my hair out and scratching and the last Hornet Warrior takes a nose dive.

Shew.... it's over. But o my the PAIN!!!!! By this time I had a huge welt on my arm and two huge welts on my hip. and I couldn't find my benadryl. Of course. Murphys law. So I drove to my best friend in the worlds house ( Linda the Great) and she doctored me up and sent me home with some just in case I never found mine. Have I told u lately that I love you Scminders???!!! I DO ! Good thing I had it because I discovered as soon as I got home and checked on her, the whole right side of her face was swollen so huge her eye wouldn't open. Great. I'm a horrible mom. I quickly gave her half a benadryl in cheese and made sure to monitor for any symptoms of distress. But small fry turns out to be a fighter and not even the benadryl slowed her down from doing those great puppy things like chewing random stuff, antagonizing her brother and sister. Terrorizing the cats. Licking the nearest person to her to death..... as i watched her doing all this i breathed a sigh of relief, and finally sat down to relax.

SO.....Heres To You Mr I MaKe the Benadryl and Save Puppies Lives Guy: Your a Real Man of Genius......

And so, we all made it through one more day and if you ask me, that means things are great!

Until the next Havey-Martinez family adventure; hug someone you love and have a great day.....

NO FURROWED BROWS ALLOWED

  Today is my husbands  birthday. He turns 34. When I brought this to his attention last night, in all my excitement for it, his brows immediately furrowed. The Brow Furrow is Not our friend. In fact, when the brows furrow ( under normal circumstances) my heart clenches , my mouth gets dry and anxiety swoops in on winged horse.  Immediately, I am prompted to tell him to STOP the FURROWING! 

Last night, however, my reaction was completely different. It was different because I knew the reason for the Brow Furrow wasn't , in fact, ME. So I had free reign to commence with friendly fire. " Why are you FURROWING?"  I demand.  

 " Because I'm another year older" followed by a haarumph. " I know, let's stay up til midnight and usher in you're birthday..." I was getting really excited about this brilliant idea. The scowl on his face told me he was not amused. I had NO sympathy and told him so. I am, and as I informed him, always would be 2 years older than him. So he should just settle down. I mean for God's sake what did he want? I sweetly offered him a tissue for his issues. Again, ZERO amusement.

 I happen to LOVE birthdays. I mean really, who doesn't like birthdays? Cake and presents  ( legitimate presents, not just the prize because it's Tuesday or other random ways I incorporate prizes into our world to amuse us . I mean I really love prizes....) and party hats. YES Daniel: PARTY HATS! And you will wear one. I don't care you're turning 34. I firmly scold him at the look of  horror I see cross his face.

 This is what he gets, poor guy. We don't have kids so for me to throw parties for so he is the WINNER! He gets to endure a party in the honor of his birth! It's not like it will be a huge party, after all, he does have to be at work before the butt crack of dawn tomorrow. So I am actually cutting him a lot of slack.

 And, YES I am the luckiest girl alive because I found t the coolest guy on earth and somehow managed to sucker him into marrying me. He is someone who can actually handle me ( and I am quite a lot to handle)  with finesse mixed with some mad skills and a lot of good ol  fasioned love and patience.

 So this blogs for you Daniel, A Real Man Of  Genius..... Mr Wear Your Party Hat When Your 34 Guy.... You're the best EVER! So suck it up and I'll see you at your party later....

Superchance And the Meaning of Life...

 Why are titles always so much easier than whats on your mind? Hmm. When I had a job as a Vet Tech I found SuperChance.  Or he found me. We needed each other, that much was obvious. I will never forget that day. A woman from out of Somewhere in the middle of Nowhere, N.M. walked into our little animal clinic in Bernalillo, N.M. and asked if we could help her bring in the dog she and some neighbors spent about a month trying to catch. I immediately jumped to attention, ready for just a little action. It was December 29th , 2008 and we were VERY slow at work. So, I helped her carry in this horrible looking metal cage, seriously, it looked like something out of Hannibal. And the only evidence of a dog I could see was a brownish-reddish furball curled up tightly toward the back of thecage. This woman and I gently set the cage down in an exam room and I shut the door to see if we could coax the creature out of hiding.

The woman explained that she and her neighbors ( there were like 12 neighbors in this little town) had noticed the dog at night creeping toward their respective houses  seemingly searching for food. They all began putting out a little food and water to make sure he would stay alive. The downside of their generosity was, Coyotes love any kind of food and it's o so easy for them to eat food already provided or eat food ( GASP--- the DOGGY?!) eating the food they provided. At this point, the neighbors decided to call animal control who provided said cage for the townspeople to catch the dog in, not as easy as it might have seemed. 

As it happened, our little clinic was the first stop on the road to civilization. Animal Control gave her our number and she called and requested help. And now, here we were, about to open the cage door and see what awaited us. I had the woman stand over in the corner farthest from the cage as a precaution for fear of the unknown. After all, this could be a wild savage animal that would jump from the cage and maul us both to a bloody, nasty death. Or not. The ball of hair sat up, shaking horribly and I met his eyes. I didn't know it until about an hour later, but I was madly in love with this down and out little creature who had been so beaten down by life. I digress. Out receptionist brought me in a couple of cans of food and some tongue depressors. The villager woman had to go and I assured her we would take care of the animal and I would call her later to let her know how things went. She was relieved to have played her part in Chance's story. She and her neighbors actually  saved his life. After she left, I sat down on the floor across from the cage directly in his vision. I put some of the food on a depressor and held it as a peace offering. He really wanted it but was very unsure. So, I waited. Lucky for me, as previously noted, business was dead that day except for me and Chance. 

Chance crept a little closer to the open door. I saw that he was an adorable long haired terrier. ( I had always wanted a terrier...) I held the food steady. He ventured a lick. And then another and another. After an hour and a half of sitting patiently, Chance was rewarding me. Eventually, he let me pet him and he finally seemed to relax in my presence. The vet that day was my friend, Dr Adena Robertson. The girls up front had let her know what was going on. She peeked her head in the door and I motioned her in. Chance stuck like glue to me but allowed us to take him to the back to examine him. He observed me with very worried, weary eyes but allowed me to hold him while we ran some testing. First a Heart worm test. Negative. Then full blood work , normal. He let us vaccinate him use Frontline for flea and tick prevention. He was exhausted. And he was limping severely. We set him up a bed in the back and I made sure he was comfortable and happy while I tried not to name him. Dr Melloy always said if you name them you bring them home. I had already named him. Chance. When Dr M got to work I asked him to  look him over for me. He stood across the exam table from me and said quite seriously, " M.C., you can't keep him, he's half coyote" and my heart clenched and my face fell and I heard the doc laughing. I looked up to see his quick smile and hear him say, " you are so gullible. Does your husband know your bringing a dog home?" And that was pretty much that. We determined Chance to be about 10 months. We took x-rays of his leg which revealed three bullets in his right leg. The doc determined that we should stay away from surgery and just use pain meds and anti-inflammatory meds and see how he does.

I took Chance home on New Years Eve. Our dog Layla, and all the cats, after a day of integrating him, all took him in with open arms. My husband always jokes that Layla is His dog because she's sleek and beautiful and perfect ( to him). He says Chance is gruff and scruffy and out of control. Nah, I tell  him, Chance just needs a little work like me! Chance is SO MY dog.

I call him Superchance because he made it against all odds to my side. Chance didn't know the meaning of life while he was wandering around in the wild; staying alive on sand and pebbles. Dodging bullets ( not so well) , and hiding out from coyotes. He didn't know what the meaning of his life was. He just knew he kept going and stayed alive. And then he found me. I was the direction his life was meant to take. I saved Chance ( with the help of the others involved). But Chance is saving me. Life is hard. I am 36 years old and have no idea what the meaning of my life is or even where I'm meant to go now. Sometimes, I can't breathe with all the overwhelming issues life has been throwing at me. But every morning, I wake up and Chance is there. And I remember that he had no clue and look what he stumbled into. I have no clue and maybe that's just where I am now. Today. Let's see what I might stumble into....